Broken
by wildandfearless
Summary: I'm not good at summaries, but it's a Brian and Olivia story. The first few chapters were written while listening to "Broken" by Lifehouse. They're a little depressing. But, it's going to get better for Olivia!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything…

A/N: I'm not a fan of sad stories, but I had some time today and gave in and wrote it. The song lyrics that are italicized are from the song "Broken" by Lifehouse. If you haven't ever heard it, you should go listen to it. Also, sorry for any mistakes. I only had a few hours between classes and wanted to get this done :-) Reviews would be great!

Ch. 1

It had been three weeks. Three weeks since Olivia Benson lost the love of her life. Three weeks since she had left her apartment. Three weeks since she had answered a phone call, three weeks since she had looked out the window. She hadn't eaten a complete meal. She had showered a total of eight times in those three weeks. She was still wearing his shirt, lying in his place on their bed, crying on his pillow. Olivia didn't have the energy to get out of bed, nor did she want to. She had crawled into a hole and she didn't want to ever come out.

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_

_With a broken heart that's still beating._

**Five weeks earlier**

Brian Cassidy and Olivia Benson walked out of the restaurant in lower Manhattan. They were laughing, smiling, so happy to be wrapped in each other's grasp.

They walked towards the park that was down the sidewalk. Through the busy streets, they could see the trees lit up with white lights, sparkling in the distance. The snow began to fall, slowly at first. It was a beautiful scene.

As they reached the park, the snow fell heavier, leaving a trail of footprints. They found a bench, and Brian pulled Olivia down next to him. It was freezing out, but they didn't notice.

They sat there talking, taking in the surroundings, taking in each other, neither one bothered by the freezing cold and the snow.

All of the sudden, Brian got off of the bench and kneeled on the ground. He pulled out a black velvet box from his pocket.

"Olivia Benson, from the first day I met you, you have taken my breath away. We were apart for so many years, but you're the only person I could ever think of. I'm the luckiest man to have you in my life, and I don't ever want to let you go. I want to make you smile every day. I want to give you the world. I want to give you all of the love and happiness that you deserve. I want to be with you forever. Will you marry me?"

Through the tears, Olivia managed to whisper a quiet "yes".

They both stood up, hugging. He looked into her big brown eyes and kissed her. She was officially his for the rest of his life.

The celebration between the two lasted through the night and halfway through the next day. Olivia couldn't get enough of Brian; Brian couldn't get enough of Olivia.

A week later, Olivia was sitting at her desk, smiling down at the large diamond ring on her finger. She was going to get married to a man she loved more than anything. They would buy a house, have kids, and grow old together. It would be a perfect life.

Her co-workers were all happy for her. They all liked Brian, even Nick had grown to accept him. He had finally worked his way back to detective, working in homicide. She loved that he was a detective. He understood the job, the hours, and the dedication.

Olivia looked down at the notes scattered around her desk. Names and phone numbers of everyone she could ever need- florist, caterer, tailor. She smiled to herself. They had started planning their wedding- the color would be purple, everyone they knew would be invited. She had chosen her bridesmaids; he had picked out his groomsmen. It would be a fall wedding- they both loved the fall in the city. Everything was coming together.

Except it all fell apart so quickly.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.

Ch. 2

Olivia felt her heart drop as she heard Captain Cragen call her name. The way his voice was shaking, the way he was avoiding eye contact. Something was wrong.

She walked into his office, noticing Fin standing in the corner.

"What's wrong, Cap?"

"Liv, you should sit down. It's about Cassidy."

At the mention of his name, Olivia's knees went weak. She slumped back into the chair.

"What happened?" was all she could say.

Fin put his hand on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Liv."

Nothing else had to be said.

She stood up, in a daze. She knew what they were saying, but it couldn't be true. It couldn't be.

She walked into Bellevue Hospital, not completely sure how she ended up there. She found a doctor and introduced herself.

"Ms. Benson. I'm very sorry."

"What… what happened?"

The doctor told her about how he was shot chasing down a perp. One bullet, straight through the heart. He was killed immediately. He didn't feel any pain, he didn't suffer.

"I want to see him."

"Ms. Benson, I don't know if that's a good idea"

"It's Detective Benson. I want to see him."

The doctor led her into a small room, and then left her alone. Brian was lying on a bed. His shirt was soaked in his blood. There was a bullet hole right where the doctor had said, straight through the heart. His eyes were closed- his face looked peaceful, almost.

Olivia sat in the bed with him, holding his hand. She ran her fingers through his hair, across his face.

She cried. She couldn't believe that this had happened. Why couldn't she just be happy?

She laid her head on his chest, crying harder. She had always loved laying her head over his heart, hearing his strong heart beat. Now, there was nothing. It was silent.

Three hours later, Fin walked in the room. Olivia still had her head on Brian's chest. He could see her shoulders shake, hear her ragged breaths. She hadn't stopped crying.

"Liv, it's time to go."

She looked up at him, begging not to take her away. His heart ached for her, but they had to go. She kissed Brian, and whispered a final goodbye. "I love you, and I always will".

He gently tugged at her arm, pulling her into a standing positing, then pulling her into a hug. He rubbed her back; he let her cry on his shoulder.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Still broke. Still don't own anything.

Ch. 3

They pulled up in a black car. Fin still had a hold of Olivia's hand, he hadn't left her. Amanda had her arm wrapped lovingly around Olivia's back. There were hundreds of men and women, dressed in uniform, filling rows and rows of chairs. Some were there for Brian; some, who didn't even know Brian, were there simply to support Olivia.

They walked down the row of drums and up to the flag-covered casket. Olivia placed a hand gently on the top, tears falling down her face.

Many people had something to say about Brian Cassidy. He was a great detective, a smart individual. He had passion for justice. He wanted to heal others. He lived for the job.

Olivia had heard it all before.

She wanted to tell them about the real Brian Cassidy. Not the detective, not the cop. The Brian Cassidy that surprised her with flowers, who took her to the zoo, who made every day an adventure. The Brian Cassidy who loved to cook, loved to bake. The Brian Cassidy who had a personality that was so unreal, so perfect. The Brian Cassidy who had a heart bigger than anyone she knew, who had so much love to give.

But she couldn't. She couldn't bear to say anything.

They folded the flag and handed it to her. They lowered him into the ground, while trumpets played. She bowed her head, sobbing.

Her life was over. It was being placed into the ground.

She went home, put his old shirt on, and crawled into his side of their bed. She looked at the picture of them on her bedside table, letting herself cry. She turned the clock around and put her phone on silent.

_The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight. _

_Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time. _

_I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts. _

_I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out_.

She continued to stare at the picture. They were so happy. It was taken by a stranger in the park right after they had gotten engaged. She still had tears in her eyes, a big smile plastered across her face. Brian was grinning ear to ear, looking at her instead of the camera.

_I still see your reflection inside of my eyes, _

_That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life. _

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing_

_With a broken heart that's still beating._

Her doorbell rang, again and again. She heard Fin's voice, threatening to knock down the door.

She opened the door and looked up at him. She couldn't find any words to say, couldn't find a smile to offer. He handed her a bouquet of daisies. Amanda, who was standing next to him, barged in the door and gave Olivia a bear hug.

"We brought you lunch. It's been three weeks, and we are not letting you hide anymore".

Her eyes filled with tears as she hugged her back.

"Thank you" was all she could say.

She was still hurt, still sad, and still mourning. Her life would never be the same, but she had hope that eventually, it would get better.

_In the pain, there is healing…_

_So I'm holding on._

A/N: Thanks for reading! :-)


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4

Disclaimer: Well, I still don't own anything.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate them! And, a special thanks to Madilyna Cassidy for inspiration to continue this story! This update is kind of short and quick, but I wanted to continue this story and see how you guys liked it! So, please review and let me know!

It had been almost eight weeks since Olivia had seen the love of her life. Eight weeks full of therapy and recovery and tears and friends. She had begun to heal- as much as she wanted to, she knew that she couldn't hide from life forever. She had returned to work, and being around her friends and co-workers had helped her more than she could have imagined. Olivia had picked up the pieces, and with a little help, was beginning to glue them back together. She knew Brian would have wanted her to move on and live her life with love and laughter, not dwell in the sadness of his loss.

Olivia turned her alarm off and glanced at the picture on her nightstand. As much as she had healed, it still stung a little bit to see how happy they were together. She got up, showered, and got dressed for work. She clasped on her necklace chain holding the engagement ring from Brian. She tucked it under her shirt, letting it hit her chest. She could always feel it against her, and it made her feel safe. She knew that Brian was looking over her. He was always with her.

As she poured a cup of coffee, it hit her. She ran back into her bathroom- making it to the toilet just in time. This was the third morning in a row that she had gotten sick, but she brushed her teeth and shook it off. _There's no way._

That day at work, it was all she could think about. She counted back from when she had last seen Brian, the last time they were together. Eight weeks. She hadn't noticed being late, but she had been so wrapped up in both her sorrow and healing that she hadn't noticed much of anything. On the way home, she stopped at the little store down the street.

The two minute wait was the longest two minutes of her life. She paced across the bathroom floor, unable to form coherent thoughts. The timer she had set beeped and she picked up the small white stick, having to look twice at the small pink positive mark. Olivia's knees went weak, and she slowly sat on the bathroom floor, tears streaming down her face. She had such mixed emotions- she had always wanted a child, and now she was having one with the man she loved, but that man was no longer alive. He would never see their beautiful son or daughter; they would never know how amazing their dad was. Olivia sat there, lost in her thoughts.

She grabbed her phone and called her best friend. An hour later, Olivia opened her front door to see the blonde ADA standing there, holding two containers of Chinese take-out. Alex noticed that her friend had been crying and pulled her into a hug.

"Liv, is everything okay?"

Olivia shook and began to cry again. She didn't let go of Alex, she needed someone to comfort her. Eventually, Olivia pulled away from Alex.

"Thanks for coming, Al."

"Olivia, you know that you're my best friend. Whatever you need, I'm here. You want to tell me what's wrong?"

Olivia grabbed Alex's hand and pulled her through the living room and into her bedroom. She sat her on the bed and walked into the bathroom, emerging with four white sticks in her hand. One by one, she showed them to Alex. Four positive pregnancy tests.

"Liv! You're pregnant?" Alex smiled. She knew that Olivia was having a hard time without Brian, and that having Brian's child would be hard for her, but she also knew that Olivia wanted to be a mom more than anything. And she knew that with all of that love Olivia had, she would be the best mom a child could ask for.

Olivia smiled back at Alex. Seeing her best friend be happy made her hopeful. She knew that it was a long road ahead, especially without Brian by her side, but it was exactly what she wanted, exactly what she needed.

"Looks like you're going to be an aunt!"

They ate their dinner and chatted about the future- baby names, nursery colors, guesses on whether it was a boy or a girl. Alex got up and gave Olivia another hug.

"I am so happy for you, Liv. You deserve this baby and all the happiness he or she will bring into your life. And, I'll be here every step of the way."

After Alex had left, Olivia went into her bedroom. She picked up the picture of her and Brian, and hugged it. "_Bri, I miss you so much. I can't wait to meet this little miracle. I wish you were here by my side, but I know that you are up there watching over me and this little guy or girl. I love you, Brian."_

A/N: Thanks for continuing to read this story! I would appreciate reviews, and I would love to know what you guys think! Your input is always welcome!


	5. Chapter 5

Ch. 5

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.

A/N: Sorry for the delay! Please let me know what you guys think!

The next few weeks flew by for Olivia. She hadn't shared her secret with anyone except Alex, but she knew she couldn't keep it to herself much longer. She sighed as she pulled her pants over her hips and attempted to button them. After a few unsuccessful attempts, she gave up and found a paper clip to tie her pants together the best that she could, making a mental note to go shopping that weekend. She also decided that it was time to tell her co-workers about her pregnancy. When she arrived at work, she went straight into Captain Cragen's office.

"Hey, Cap. You have a minute?" She asked as she closed the door behind her.

He looked up from his desk, and she didn't wait for him to respond before she told him. "I'm pregnant". Her cheeks flushed a deep red. She had prepared a speech of sorts to tell him the news, but she spouted out the words, not even realizing what she was saying.

Cragen placed the papers that were in his hand on the desk in front of him and stood out of his chair. "Liv, congratulations. I'm so happy for you". He pulled her into a hug. Cragen knew that this baby meant the world to her, and he also knew how painful it was for her without Brian. She hugged him back, thankful that he was in her life.

As Olivia told the rest of her co-workers, she felt a mix of emotions. She was, of course, thrilled for this part of her life, but she knew that someone was missing. Brian should have been there with her, holding her around her waist as they shared the news together. Everyone offered their hugs and congratulations to Olivia, and they went along with their day. Eventually, Olivia knew that she would be put on desk duty, but she wanted to help in as many cases as she could before then.

The weekend quickly arrived, and Olivia made plans to meet up with Alex to go shopping. She loved how enthusiastic the blonde was, picking up outfits and commenting on how adorable they were. Alex was already spoiling the baby, and she loved every second of it. Olivia found a few pair of pants and some shirts to fit her growing belly.

Alex and Olivia picked up sandwiches and went back to Olivia's apartment. Olivia changed into some comfortable shorts and a t-shirt while Alex made some tea. When she emerged, Alex ran over to her, a smile across her face. She placed her hand on Olivia's stomach. "Liv! Look at your baby bump!"

Olivia placed her hand on top of Alex's. She hadn't noticed how much of a bump she had.

"Al, I have a doctor's appointment Monday afternoon. Would you mind going with me?"

Alex could see the worry in Olivia's eyes. Ever since she found out that she was pregnant, there was always a fearful look on her face.

"Olivia, you know I would love to be there. What are you worried about?"

Olivia knew she had been caught, and decided to come clean with her best friend. "I'm so worried that something is going to happen to this baby." Wiping a tear from her face, she continued. "He or she is my last piece of Brian, and I don't know what I would do without this baby in my life."

Monday came before Olivia was ready for it. She nervously walked into the doctor's office, gripping Alex's hand. They laid her on a table and spread a cold jelly over her small belly. Moments later, there was the sound of a heartbeat coming through the monitor. Olivia let out a breath that she didn't know she was holding.

"Well, looks like you are about ten weeks along. And, not to worry, you have two healthy babies in there!"

Olivia smiled, but then the nurse's words registered with her.

"Um…babies?"

"You're having twins!"

Olivia's mouth dropped open. She was having twins. Two babies. Two little lives.

The rest of the day was a blur. Olivia could barely grasp being pregnant, but now she was having twins. Just the thought made her even more excited for the future. She patted her stomach, which seemed to have grown overnight. _"Hey little ones. It's your mommy. I love you both so much."_

A/N: Thanks for reading! I'll have another chapter up soon! Please leave a review!


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6

Disclaimer: Yeah… No. Not mine.

A/N: This is a super short one… sorry about that.

Not even two months later, Olivia had been put on desk duty. She was sixteen weeks pregnant, and her belly had grown to accommodate the two babies. Because she was a little bit older, there were more risks associated with her pregnancy- especially because she was pregnant with twins. As much as she hated sitting in the squad room all day, she didn't want to take any chances. She loved her babies more than anything.

Olivia had her next appointment scheduled that week, and since Alex was busy, she asked Casey to go with her. She still didn't want to be there alone, just in case. Olivia and Casey laughed all the way to the office, telling jokes and sharing stories. Casey had been busy the last few months, but her schedule was clearing up, and Olivia was glad to have her back in her life more. She loved the red-head and her sense of humor.

The ultrasound showed the two babies growing right on schedule, and the doctor had another surprise in store.

"Olivia, would you like to know the sex of your two babies?"

Olivia smiled. "Of course!"

"Well, this one right here is a little girl. And this one is a little boy!"

Tears started to form in Olivia's eyes. She was having twins. A boy and a girl. In a few months, they would be a little family of three.

The doctor wiped off her belly and printed out some pictures. Casey gave Olivia a hug, wiping her own tears from her eyes. Olivia clutched the pictures in her hand all the way home, and hung them from the refrigerator the second she walked in the door. She ran her hand over the two little blobs in the picture, and then touched her belly. _"Brian, look at our two beautiful babies. They're perfect."_

A/N: Let me know what you guys think!


	7. Chapter 7

Ch. 7

Disclaimer: I don't own SVU or any of the characters, sadly.

A/N: Sorry for the late update! I hope you guys enjoy it! Please let me know what you think!

Looking around her small apartment, Olivia decided that she needed to move. There was no way she could raise two little babies in her one bedroom apartment, and she had enough money saved to upgrade. She called both Alex and Casey, and the three of them made a day out of apartment hunting. Finally, Olivia found a place that was near both of her best friends. It was a loft that had three bedrooms, separated on two different floors. Olivia fell in love with the apartment, but she knew that it would be out of her price range. Reluctantly, she left, returning home without signing a new lease.

Later that night, there was a knock on her door. Olivia got up from her spot on the couch and opened her door, to find Alex standing there, holding a pair of silver keys up in the air. "Surprise!"

"Al, what in the world are those for?"

"They are for your new loft!"

Noticing the look on Olivia's face, Alex spoke up before Olivia could respond. "Liv, you know that I come from money. I have more money to my name than I will ever be able to spend. I want to spoil my niece and nephew, and I want my best friend and her family to live close to me. Saying no isn't an option here, Olivia."

With that, Olivia grabbed the keys from Alex and gave her a hug. "Al, I'll never be able to thank you enough! Looks like we better get packing!"

Olivia spent the next few weeks packing her life into the brown boxes scattered across the floor. She finally made it to the bedroom, and grabbed the picture off of her nightstand. She wrapped it multiple times in paper, and gently laid it in the box. She then started on the drawers in her nightstand, and came across a folded piece of paper. She opened in, and immediately recognized the scribbled writing. She began to cry as she read the letter.

Olivia,

I want to start off by saying how much I love you. I know that I don't tell you as often as I should, but I do. I love you so much. You fill my days with such joy and happiness, and I only hope I do the same for you. Every morning when I wake up next to you, I feel so blessed. I can't wait to build a life with you, Liv- to chase kids around Central Park and to watch all of your dreams come true. I love you, and I always will.

Brian

Olivia wiped the tears from her face. She hugged the letter, and smiled. She could still feel him there with her, wrapping her up in his arms. She looked around her bedroom. She hadn't taken the time to think about the fact that this is where they spent their last days and nights together. Her apartment had so many memories of them that she was clinging onto, and she was about to leave them all behind.

She could feel the pain in her heart, and her tears started falling again.

"Bri, I feel like I'm leaving you behind. I treasure every single moment that we shared. I live in this house, and I still feel you. I can still see you in the kitchen, trying to cook some breakfast. I can see you laying on the couch in your white robe, watching the basketball game, trying to convince me to join you. I can feel the steam from your shower in the morning, and smell your soap, waking me up from my dreams. I feel your hug every time I walk through that door. I'm not ready to leave this. I truly am not." Olivia's voice cracked. She looked down at her belly, and rubbed her hand over the two growing babies. "But, I have to."

She found a large, empty picture frame and placed the letter inside. She wrapped it up in newspaper and gently put it in the box.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Olivia walked into the living room, and opened the door to see Munch there.

"Hey, John. Come in."

"Liv, are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks." John stepped closer and pulled her into a hug. She loved her relationship with him. They were close friends, and she knew that he would always have her back, no matter what. And he always had Brian's back.

"I came over to rescue you from the attack of the cardboard boxes. Let's go have some lunch"

They walked down the street and into a little Italian restaurant. Munch picked a table in the back, and they grabbed their seats.

"How are you doing, Liv?"

"I'm doing alright." She lied.

"Liv, look at me. What's bothering you?"

"I feel like I'm moving on. I feel like I'm leaving Brian behind and starting a new life. And I don't want to. I miss him every day, John. And I always will." She could feel the tears starting to form in her eyes.

Munch grabbed her hand. "Liv, you're not leaving him behind. You have two babies that you need to take care of. Brian knows that. He's looking down on you right now, pushing you forward. He wants the best for you and your two little ones."

Olivia smiled. She knew that her friend was right.

Just then, John pulled out a small box. He slid it across the table to Olivia.

She lifted off the cover and began to cry. It was a small heart shaped necklace, with the words "You are always in my heart". She picked it up and turned it over. On the back, in Brian's handwriting, was a small scribbled engraving- "I love you".

She looked up at Munch through her tears.

"Brian gave that to me about a year ago. He told me that if anything ever happened to him, to give it to you. I was going to give it to you a while back, but I wanted to wait until everything settled down with the news of your babies."

"Thank you, John. Thank you so much." She hung the necklace around her neck and gave John a hug.

A/N: I would love to know what you think of this chapter! Please review!


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